10 Sept 2021. 000.1.4 Speaking My Truth, My personal journey.

10 Sept 2021. 000.1.4 Speaking My Truth, My personal journey.

Now I'm here, the point where we are at.

18:45 hrs :: 09 Saturn, Febru 2019

Greetings and salutations to our family of lightworkers, and vlounteers, who have come to assist in the Earth school at this time; from the Superior Council of Light, Prime Source Creator, the Messengers Thoth/Mercury/Hermes. Namaste.

(Once I checked my clock, and saw the time, I knew this encounter was inspired by source.)

This is my battle front: is it worse to not have the words to explain what is wrong, or, is it worse to have the words to explain, yet ones which make me sound like a loony?

This has been my main problem, for a few years now, the growing inability to truly explain to people what's happening, and what I'm going through.

For those of my family in the lightworker community, who know what I am saying, we are all (seemingly) sharing a similar experience: a decided lack of words to express our current situation. Essentially, this situation is that I am a starseed, working on going through this ascension; which all humans are going to have to go through, eventually. I am simply here before you, because it's my assignment to so do.

This one has a contract which we are looking to complete. When this is done, hopefully soon, it will be time to graduate, into a form more closer to that which I am familiar, and more comfortable with.

There are these wiords which explain my situation. Had I the ability to choose, this one would only deal with those currently well on the way to ascention. This is my choice, yet, even then, there are still those who are not quite up to the point of understanding those words, above used. People often internalize, and jump-ahead of what someone is saying, to the point where my talking about myself is assumed by the other person that I'm talking about that one. Whether this is ego, or a trick of the linguistic grad, it is hard to tell...it simply is a thing, with no easy outs, once the ball gets rolling.

Yesterday, I had an encounter with a stranger. Perfectly timed, i was left with the impression that there was divine order to its happening. I have been working through the language issue for some years now. Inborn within me is a desire to understand what people are saying; trying to find meaning in whatever sounds are coming from a person's mouth, passing for words. Yet, not every sound coming from a person's mouth has meaning. Some sounds are intended as a sound, only in the sense of letting someone know they exist, and little else.

Humans need meaningful, intelligent connections of the words, from one soul to another. People have need to connect, one to another, across the wide chasm of language. It's important to connect through the intelligent, meaningful exchange of the mouth noises. Yet, what if the "intelligence" is only to determine polarity: of determining if one is "with us, or against us"?

My main problem, in interactions with people, is to work to discover if there's meaning, or merely gesture, or rhetoric in the word usage. It can be difficult with many humans, who look at gesture AS the meaning. Or who look at arguing as a useful, practical manner of communicating ideas.

Quite honestly, there's so much work in trying to decrypt what the average person says, that to me it's not even worth the trouble, for what it's worth in return. Most folks seem to pride themself on how difficult they make it for others to follow along with (their) meaning.

I personally am not saying that anyone need to do anything different. Do what you want...just don't expect to drag me along with the shitty conversation which go, essentially ihnto uncharted territory for me. It is not a kindness of individuals to hold me hostage to their conversations, when clearly there is no detectable meaning for me. Much of the wordy-exchanges with humans is like this, of determining if i am "one of them," or not.

As this one moves along in spiritual development, i am less inclined to want to talk with other humans. It seems enough for this human to deal with myself, as a human, in polarized form. Asides this factor, i am simply not willing to put out the energy necessary to received in return, the bathwater, which is most people's conversations. As we move along, closer to asension, i am increasingly-less motivated to want to talk with the majority of individuals. As we move along towards ascension, the ability to accurately, adequately describe my problem is a very real barrer to the average person getting to know me, for who i truly am.

This is the point where i find myself, yesterday, sitting on the porch in front of the apartment building, in which im living. I don't have a great ability to explain what's wrong. Furthermore, the words I do have to use, to explain to the average person, are with little-to-no value when describing my true problem.

I could be of the view that i have no problems, that problems are merely a unbalanced way of looking at the situations of my life. So, i do not have problems, but issues to be addressed. Yet, we can all understand lonlieness. We can all understand, viscerally feel, the longing for our family, for our kind. What is lonlieness? Is it feeling the physical distance which separates us?

For this one, there is never so much lonliness and aloneness experienced, as when i am talking to people. Never greater is the disytance between words noticed, as when this one is talking with someone, looking to make logical sense with words.

So this is the point in my life, sitting on the porch. I'm marinating in the feelings. I'm not quite in a good, constructive space. I'm feeling hurt, alone, and kinda sad overall, for humaninty, specifically myself as human. I don't want to go anywhere, nor talk to anyone; the mood i get into during these "transits."

Earlier in the day, a friend texted that she had not seen me in a while, and so was feeling a bit concerned. I tell her that essentially, i am avoiding whatever interactions with people. I tell myself: i have nothing more to give. I've given out, almost everything i can to help people. I've given it all out, and there's noone to help me, to minister to me. I'm the helper, who's supposed to help everyone else, and i have; yet, who's assigned to help me? Exactly noone is who, I think; further marinating in the negativity, of this swamp I am creating.

I know that there's people who care for me; who would like to help, but don't know how. It has been shown to me, multiple times, that i am loved and cared-for. There are those who care greatly for me...despite the fact that i would rather not see this. It's simply easier for me to not consider the others who have expressed love, or care for me. It's easier to lose contact with people, than have to maintain the work of a relationsjhip, even if this relationship is deep freindship, and not romantic. It can be difficult separating friendship form a romantic interest. This one is still baffled, and would rather ignore the problem; having no ideas how to deal with the problem, which is basically interacting with others.

For my part, i have a difficulty in asking for anything. Yet, i'm not sure what to ask for. A hug? a blowjob? What makes the most impact to me, in giving me te assurance that there's people who actually do care for me? What do I need to see, to know i am counted?

This line is a hard line to find: what do i ask for, for help, when it's my turn? Is the problem that i really have NOT gotten a turn to recieve, or it it that i am sure a poor receiver? Is the real problem that I don't know how to receive? Is my problem only the fact that speaking conversation is difficult?

Or, is the problem that I just have stopped asking? As I'm steeping in the swamp water of this messy bog of emotions, thinking of recoiling, withdrawing, isolating. I am thinking how preferable it is to isolate, because it's not really isolating: it's me taking care of myself, which others can't seem to manage. Besides, i shouldn't have to bother others. Noone should be forced to have to talk to me. If it were avoidable, i would want to avoid conversation with myself also.

This is not a true statement, yet I hold onto it as if it is a provable equation. This is my accepted truth, which, as earlier stated...i steep in like a teabag in a steaming cauldron of shit.

Enter into the stage at this point the happy-go-lucky stranger, who clearly had a few cocktails at a local watering-hole, coming home around the timd that I could use a meeting, and i really should be at one. But, since i'm playing hookey from my life, and running away, here at home, the meeeting comes to me. Because this is how it works when you are "all in", that even when you decide to opt out, or run, or whatever other thing i was doing besides looking to heal my hurt, open wound of emotional yuck running through my brain circuits. So, instead of looking to get help, i text my friend i should be rewarded for avoiding interactions among humans.

How are you doing tonight? He asks. (The Universe giggles, knowing how much i hate that phrase.)

I am honest, and tell him that i'm not doing well at all.

He stops. He's concerned, walks back to the steps, and looks at me, and asks what's wrong?

I can't tell him, i explain. It's beyond words.

I've lost 19 people in the last three years, he says to me. I think, oh, well that i can relate to. I'm one of the last ones left i tell him. That's not the problem though, but it kinda, sorta is. But i can relate to this guys pain. This is the first thing the universe shows me, is that as a human, we ALL can relate-to, and identify with loosing someone we love. Especially 19 of them. I don't feel happier, yet I do feel heard by the All that is All.

If this one was not in such a foul, negative, dark space, this one could tell the complete stranger that i relate to this very well, and i could connect with the guy on this level. He feels something, because he invites me for a drink with him. I explain that i haven't had a driunk in 7 years, thank you though. I appreciate the offer. I feel something for this guy, the complete stranger who the Universe put into my path.

I tell him I can't find the words to say what's wrong, and i have given-up trying to explain to people. It's just too difficult. He invites me out for a drink again. I kindly thank him, yet stave-off. He tells me he can respect that.

He can respect what I've just told him about my lack of dialog as, get this, as PRIDE. He has alot of respect for my Pride.

Immediatly I know this was not a run-of-the-mill stranger, but a person who was led to me by the Conscious Intention of my own conscious intention of "being all in."

I'm convicted. Guilty, as charged. This state of yuck which holds me as a mosquito in amber, is indeed damaged pride, or negatively-aligned ego, or some rhetorical space between the two; which holds me as in amber, kinda-terrified, or just plain kinda-fearfully away from others, and the meetings which are so helpful. I've not been going to two a day, as this one had been for many weeks.

Yet, here's this guy, willing to listen, if i could find a way. My vocabulary, my lexicon; for whatever the worth and value of all these great words, what is the overall worth if I'm not able to simply connect with another person, on a person-to-person level?

I'm far away from home, and dimensions away from my dearly beloved ones from home, the halls of the Great Council, the Library of Akasha, all of that splendor, missed greatly while down here. And it hurts. Deeply.

Yet, there, as here, we are all connected through the lights. We all have a place. We all are due to transceive the radient frequency of Love. i don't get to coast on this one. this may be one of the hardest, most difficult lessons to learn, of breaking out of the mental prison, set about my thughts, and guarding my feelings, holding me hostage to lower vibrational parasites; is all i can see there.

It's like a spigot that gets turned-on, and i fall for the illusion of negativity, as the preferred operating system.

I can't say anything to this guy. Words tend to get in the way of what I try to say. But i know he's been sent from "beyond." One drunk helping another, basically. Doing for me, what i can't seem to be able to do for myself. The Grace and beneficince of the universe, shows itself so i know, intuitively know i am loved, and cared-for.

He doesn't know it, but i send legions of blessings unto him to take care of this special person for being my messenger.

Isolation is not being alone. It is not being away from others, when there's a valid reason. It is isolation because of the metal work necessary to maintain our emotional state of reasoning of why we are choosing to separate. There are those who are toxic, and should be avoided, granted.

Yet, the emotional processing in the mental sphere, channeled through ego, and pride (damaged or not), creates a hazy film over my lense of perception. My poor self-worth, negatively-aligned, lower vibrational mind tells me a lie, which my body decides to accept.

I finished smoking to little bit of herb i have left, resin actually. I go downstairs, and check my phone for the time. it's 18:45. Ok, that's it.

I have to stop what im doing so i can write this down. this was extremely powerful to me. The universe came right to me, and nailed it on the head for me.

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